Learning to Take Responsibility for Your Behavior — Even When You’re Hurting

Depression is an overwhelming, exhausting, and infuriating diagnosis, but it doesn’t give me the right to shrug off harmful behavior. Taking responsibility for my actions has been a crucial part of my healing.

When I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and depression, I clung to the labels like a lifeline until they became my vindication for inexcusable behavior.

If I was irritable or grumpy, if I couldn’t communicate effectively with my partner, or if I lost my temper, it was because of my mental health conditions.

I struggled to take ownership of the effects my conditions were having on those around me. All I could see was the conditions’ impact on me and my life.

Falling prey to the (understandable) selfishness that often happens with depression, I joined many others who twist a diagnosis into an act of deflecting responsibility for their actions.

Learning to take responsibility for my mental health without submitting to the stigma and shame that accompanies such a diagnosis is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I did it, and we can all master this tricky skill using self-compassion and by refining our communication skills.

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When are we responsible for our mental health and its impact?

“Once you’ve gained clarity and can get treatment, you become responsible,” says Anim Aweh, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist. “Now, this won’t be a perfect situation where you always follow through, but you do have to challenge yourself if you desire and see how this might affect the people surrounding you.”

Of course, we’ll still have difficult days. Our symptoms can make it harder to deal with the necessary niceties of everyday life. We might be rude, irritable, or have an outburst, and that’s OK. But refusing to acknowledge these slip-ups is not.

Whether it’s intended or not, we’re responsible for the harm we cause others and the damage we inflict on ourselves.

Why might mental health become a shield against accountability?

Before diving into all the ways we’re responsible for our mental health, take a moment to acknowledge the significance of diagnoses and their positive impact.

“Understanding and accepting a diagnosis can empower individuals to take an active role in managing their mental health,” says psychologist Dr. Deborah Gilman. “With this knowledge, individuals can make informed decisions about their care, advocate for themselves in healthcare settings, and engage in self-help strategies to cope with their condition.”

However, while no one is to blame for having a mental health condition, sometimes people become consumed by their diagnosis and lose the ability to hold themselves accountable for their actions. I’ve experienced it myself — twice.

The most significant occasion was when I received a diagnosis of depression after years of being told my episodes were a result of hormonal changes. With the holy grail in hand, I basked in its glow like a hug after an exceptionally long day.

In time, the condition became a key component of my identity, and I dove headfirst into the self-obsessed spiral of depression, refusing to allow anyone in and rejecting the need to take responsibility for my healing.

How can these behaviors manifest?

Depression manifests in numerous ways. Behaviors associated with deflecting responsibility are equally diverse.

Some may notice a narrative forming around victimhood, something I experienced. I blamed everything around me for the state of my mental health, never looking inward to figure out how to move forward.

Yes, I was a victim of my circumstances, but the role became addictive. Plus, it merged with my belief that depression made it impossible to be responsible for my behavior.

“Playing the part of the victim is almost an emotional attempt to compensate for the wrongdoing,” says psychotherapist and author of “What We Want” Charlotte Fox Weber. “It’s like emotional shoplifting, trying to make up for an emotional deficit that isn’t the crime that was done to you.”

Others will see this as a refusal to engage in productive conversations about steps forward or deflecting responsibility by holding their diagnosis up as a shield.

I’ve done this myself many times, claiming that “my depression makes it impossible for me to stop myself.” I would react irritably, be rude to loved ones, or dismiss their feelings, all with my diagnosis held aloft to interrupt their flow of justified criticisms.

How does refusing to take accountability impact us?

“There’s so much distortion that goes into depression,” says Weber. “You feel like the clouds have weights in them, and there’s blackness everywhere, but the reality is that you’re behaving in a way that is difficult for people. That’s real, and it’s something you could work on.”

Immersing ourselves in the idea that our mental health allows us to excuse the impact of our words and actions ultimately harms us the most. It encourages us to surrender to depression’s hypnosis instead of learning to work alongside it and move toward a place of healing.

Deflecting responsibility with a mental health diagnosis can also fracture interpersonal relationships.

“People do incredible damage to relationships that have been so vitally important,” says Weber. “We can hurt ourselves further. It’s like drunk driving emotionally.”

I ruined several friendships by dodging accountability. I hurt people and refused to acknowledge it because “I was depressed.” Understandably, people chose to cut me off rather than hurt themselves dealing with this rejection of accountability.

The benefits of facing up to responsibility

“There’s so much that’s rewarding about acknowledgment. Truth is so helpful for survival, and it’s such a relief when you can apologize for misbehaving,” says Weber. “If we’re going to have these mental health conversations, then let’s really go there and say the difficult things.”

Facing up to my own mistakes connected to my depression hurt like hell. Making that turn felt like facing the wind power of a hurricane — it almost made me retreat into hibernation again.

But when I actively started apologizing for wrongdoings, taking charge of my healing, and shrugging off the belief that the world was to blame for my state of mind, it felt like a 10-ton weight dropped off my shoulders.

“It’s hugely bolstering when you can reflect and recognize that you misstepped,” says Weber. “It’s emotionally generous, and it’s the way you can feel joy in giving something wonderful to a friend, like an apology, which can make you realize that you were carrying it with you and that pride was blocking something.”

Starting to take responsibility for our mental health

The first step is being honest with people around us. I owned up to my mistakes and asked for help to see the ones I’d ignored or deflected in my most profound depression.

“You can be genuine and honestly apologize and remind the people impacted that you have a lot going on. The ones who know you and care for you will understand,” Aweh says.

While our loved ones are there to support us, it’s up to us to create a safe space to share these feelings. And, as Weber says, we must curate a place where we can safely be irresponsible without harming others.

“I think sometimes the most grown-up thing possible is to find a space where you can be completely juvenile and admit the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability and get some kind of soothing acknowledgment and recognition,” she says.

“Being responsible doesn’t mean having to feel responsible at every moment. It doesn’t mean we need to stamp out the helpless child who wants to indulge,” Weber says.

The bottom line

No matter how sick we get, it’s crucial that we still face the fallout of our behavior. Both our loved ones and long-term health will thank us for it.

“We are responsible for ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we are to blame,” Weber adds. “We’re responsible sometimes for being irresponsible, which sounds contradictory, but it’s our responsibility to navigate and advocate, including surrendering and asking for help and support, knowing the limits of our power.”